Victims of the Cell Block Tango
Inspired by the famous musical Chicago, this humorous ten-minute play tells the untold stories of the Victims of the “Cell Block Tango”. By sharing their experiences, reflecting on their behavior, and seeing everything from a different perspective, these six men start to question: Did they really have it coming?
Characters
Bernie (pop): obnoxious, loud, misogynistic, temperamental, likes to chew gum, death by shotgun to the head
Ezekiel (six): deceiving, untrustworthy, playful, from Salt Lake City, a Mormon with six wives, death by poison
Wilbur (squish): insecure, territorial, controlling, toxic, death by knife, stabbed 10 times
Bence (uh uh): Hungarian, helpless, sick with grief, sensible, the only man in the group who actually knows how to treat a woman
Charlie (cicero): acrobat, sleazy, egotistical, narcissistic, self-centered, cheater, cause of death is unknown
Al (Lipschitz): artist, painter, sensitive, unloyal, curious, shot by handgun
MONOLOGUES:
Bernie (obnoxious, loud, misogynistic, temperamental):
It was a typical weeknight. My wife was running around the house making dinner, doing the dishes, making A WHOLE lotta noise. I couldn’t even hear the damn news over her the TUNG (deep voice) TINK (high voice) of her stupid pots and pans. Like come on, can’t a man just drink a beer and kick back on the La-Z-Boy in peace?!? Then, this woman has the audacity to call ME annoying when all I was doing was sitting there chewing my gum! Like what did she want me to do, HELP?!? The kitchen is a place for a woman, not a man. After some arguing, I popped my gum for the last time as she popped me with two shotgun bullets.
Ezekial (deceiving, untrustworthy, playful):
I can’t STAND when Kelly talked to any male but me. She was mine. My woman. As soon as I heard she bought milk from the milkman, I KNEW they were having an affair! That night, I stormed into the kitchen in a jealous rage. She was carving up the chicken for dinner. My favorite meal. I confronted her about screwing the milkman. I screamed at her “How could anyone be better than me? I do EVERYTHING for you! If you leave me, nobody, and I mean NOBODY else will love you.” She called me crazy and tried to break up with me. But I refused to let that happen. So, she stabbed me with her knife. She stabbed me with her knife 10 times.
Bence (helpless, sick with grief, sensible):
(with Hungarian accent) Honestly, I have no idea how I got here. My name is Bence. My wife Gisella and I immigrated here from Budapest, Hungary. We wanted to start our family here in America. A fresh start. A new life. Everything was going so well until Gisella got mixed up into a crime. She witnessed a husband and wife arguing. It got so intense, that the man shot his wife. Giselle didn’t know what to do, so she started running to find the cops. But they couldn’t understand her. Giselle’s English wasn’t any good. Eventually, she showed them the body and got arrested for a crime she didn’t commit. She was hung up a week later. (pause) I was helpless. Alone. She was my world. My home. A life without her is not a life worth living.
Charlie (sleazy, egotistical, narcissistic, self-centered):
I met Veronica and Velma after one of my shows. They were both hot for me. So, I made them a deal. I said “Woah woah woah, there’s only so much Charlie to go around ladies. Here, let’s do this. Friday night. 7 pm. Clydes. I’ll have a table for two. One of you can show up, but ONLY one. You ladies gotta decide that on your own.” This got me really excited. I don’t know why women don’t fight over me more often. I’m so good-looking. And really flexible. That Friday night, I made sure to slick my hair and wear my buckle shoes for my pretty date. Now secretly, I was hoping Veronica would show up. (whispers to the crowd) I’m more into blondes anyway.